Vending Machines: Murderous Munchie Salvation Distributors

The machine looked similar to this but had 4 boxes on top and bottom. It weighed about 400 pounds

As much as I want to talk about my reaction to the election, I decided that everyone is sick of election news and I don’t want to be contributing to hair pulling or people going crazy. Therefore I decided for some comedic relief with an interesting story about my life.

My mom forwarded me this article about how vending machines have killed people. This may seem like a weird article for a mother to forward her son, but it may not be as weird as you think.

Presidents Day (sometime in Feb) 1992: I was five years old, and my mother just picked me up from Kindergarten with my brother. We went to Shop n’ Save to get some groceries and at the check out line, I asked my mother for a quarter to get a gumball. My mother just blew me off and refused to part with her George Washington silver.

I decided to take matter in my own hands, and I reached my tiny (above average for a 5-year-old) hand up the machine, grab hold of a gumball and pull down. I guess it happened because of my super strength, but the entire machine toppled over me.

I tried to run away, but the machine snapped my wrist and crushed my back. After seven adults managed to lift the machine off of my body and two more pulled out my mangled wrist, I was free to yell in pain. My mother immediately ran to my aid, but my brother was distracted by all the toys, candy and money that were scattered on the floor.

I kept yelling for my dad as my mom cradled me on the floor. I probably yelled for my dad because he would have given me the quarter for the gumball. The nine people who helped me formed a circle around me to block me from the rubbernecking shoppers.

I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with a broken back and wrist. If the knob from the machine would have landed a quarter inch to the right, I would have been paralyzed for life, but instead my growth plates were shattered.

This is what infuriates me the most. If I would have not broken the growth plates in my back, I would be 6′3 instead of 5′10, and my size-16 feet and mammoth hands would fit in more to my body. My friends always made fun of me how I wore my pants so high on my body, but that is where my hips are. I probably have the shortest torso in the world, but I play it off well.

Present Day: If you look at those machines in grocery stores across the nation, they are all chained up to the wall because of me, at least I like to think so. Shop n’ Save fronted the bill for the hospital and sent me all the contents of the machine to me. It was the best thing in the world for a 5-year-old, so I was happy at the time.

My parents decided not sue the store because they believed it was my fault and they believe in the whole “what goes around comes around” theory. That should come to a surpise to you because my mom was too cheap to give me the quarter.