Caught with my pants down, and getting shot in the rear

Whenever the Health Center is mentioned I hear about how terrible it is and hear things like: “Whenever a girl comes in with a stomachache, she is immediately diagnosed with being pregnant.” Or “Every time you go in with a sore throat, you have mono.”

My favorite story happened my Sophomore year. My friend Lindsay went into the health center for what appeared to be flu-like symptoms, but mainly because of stomachaches. The conversation went something like this:

“After running a few tests, we think you should take a pregnancy test.”

“There is no way I am pregnant.”

“Honey, even if you take all the neccessary precautions, you can still get pregnant.”

“I’m a virgin.”

“I would still get one.”

Hmmm. I guess the Health Center believed Lindsay looked a lot like Mary.

Anyways, every year without fail I get sick in the middle of November. Growing up, there were very few Thanksgivings where I was not sick with strep throat or the flu.

Because Senior year is so stressful with work, I decided to get the flu shot so I wouldn’t get sick for finals. However, on Sunday I started to sneeze uncontrollably and my nose ran like a faucet. So I made an appointment, so I could get better before I got actually sick.

No such luck. I got diagnosed with strep throat. The funny thing about it was that my throat never hurt. So thinking back on the all the stories about misdiagnoses and how the Health Center believes in another “immaculate conception”, I asked them to run another strep test. Positive.

I hate taking pills because I always end up forgetting one and once you start feeling better, taking the medicine seems pointless. One time I had strep throat really bad, they gave me a steroid shot in one cheek and 10 days worth of antibiotics in the other. Therefore I asked the ladies at the health center if they had the same thing, and I was in luck.

The thing I love about the Health Center is that everyone there is really nice and laugh at my corny jokes. So when the nurse came in to give me the two shots in the bum, I said something along the lines of, “Remember this is not a prostate exam.” It really wasn’t funny, but she had to sit down she was laughing so hard. So at least she boosted my self esteem.

The thing I learned about medical people is that they do not live by the counting standards we have learned since we were children. When you first jumped off a high dive with a buddy you would say, “1.2.3. JUMP!” However, shot givers love to shoot on 2. I was ready for her this time.

She said it would pinch a little and she would go on 3 (yea right). So when she counted to two, I had clinched my cheeks super tight. She started to laugh and tell me to relax, right when someone opened the door to ask the nurse a question.

So imagine the scene. I am standing up. My pants are down. She has rubber gloves and a needle. We are both laughing. My knuckles are white from clenching the bed so hard, and someone walks in. The person just kind of cracked the door and said sorry and slammed the door shut. I know understand the meaning of the phrase, “It’s like being caught with your pants downs.” I looked back at the nurse, smiled, and shook my head. It was as if we had this kind of awkward bonding moment.

I had to wait 20 minutes to make sure I didn’t pass out and during the time, I got to meet a lot of nice nurse practitioners. It is weird to say, but I actually had fun at the Health Center. They gave me a pass to miss class for the next two days and sent me on my way with two bruised cheeks.

The reason I wanted to write this blog is to hear what people’s reactions are to the Health Center. Have you been misdiagnosed? Do you think they do a good job? Have you ever been caught with your pants down there?

Greek Sing: Year of the Upset

What’s a Greek Sing without a little bit of controversy? The five IFC fraternities and five panhellenic sororities competed for the best performance Monday night. Being a part of Sigma Chi, I went to show my support, but I brought along my notebook to take notes about each one.

Recap

Each fraternity and sorority had at least a “interesting” performance, but a few stuck out to me. I had respect for Delta Tau Delta going first, but when it came time to shout out each fraternity, they left out one: mine. Minus 10 points.

Delta Gamma’s performance was interesting up until the point where after shouting out each fraternity and sorority, they turned around with shirts with skull and crossbones on them. It appeared to me as a tribute to the fraternity formally known as “Kappa Sigma,” who in return chanted “Delta Gamma” which ruined the next part of the routine. Much More on this later.

Theta Chi’s performance was funny and kept the crowd entertained and AXO followed up with a Michael Jackson routine, and everyone loves his music. Plus 10 points.

The only thing that stuck out about Sig Ep’s performance was that they threw out real money, which put me at a moral crossroads. Do I succumb to temptation and run out and take the real money and ruin their performance, or give them respect and watch. Unfortunately for my wallet, I chose the latter.

DZ had nice uniforms and produced the best female dancer, Bigi Sann, who was ecstatic about the award. Pi Kapp brought me back to my childhood with an homage to Super Mario brothers, and kept me interested and laughing the whole time. Rumor has it that they made it up the night before, but it didn’t show because they performed real well.

AGD had a little trouble getting going due to technical difficulty, but thanks to the host, Jabari Bennett, provided the crowd with some laughter with his beatboxing skills. Once they got going, they produced a lighthearted, fun dance and did not give into booty shaking.

My fraternity was next, and I tried to give an unbiased view. When they came in, they had by far the best costumes with glow sticks in the shape of stick figures, which got the crowd going. However, when they were in the glowsticks, the dancing was mediocre, until “Paper planes” and semi redeemed themselves. At the end of the dance, Mike Baez wore a “Kappa Sig” shirt to pretend to fight, but then ended up shaking hands with Andre Burrell and performing a synchronized dance. More on this later.

SDT went next and as expected put on a phonemenal show. They had a jungle theme and collaborated with the music fraternity Phi Mu Alpha. It was by far the best show put on at this Greek Sing.

According to my notes, if I was a judge, this would be my rankings: 1. SDT 2. Delta Gamma 3. Sigma Chi 4. Pi Kapp 5. Theta Chi 6. Delta Zeta 7. AXO 8. AGD 9. DTD 10. Sig Ep. Don’t hate, just perform better next year. What would your rankings be?

The Reaction

As expected, SDT won for sororities, and AGD won for best “unity”. Bigi Sann won best female performer and the big guy from Sig Ep won best male performer (I asked around for his name, but nobody knew it, but the award was well deserved). Pi Kapp won the best fraternity performance, which I couldn’t argue with but I thought Sigma Chi gave a good fight. The shock of the night however was when Pi Kapp won the best overall performance. The best part about it… Pi Kapp already left the gym, so it was silence. Just crickets.

I decided to become a postgame interviewer, and used my pen as a microphone. Casey McLear from Sigma Chi said, “It was a disappointment, but we had fun with the event.” A little too politically correct for me.

An anonymous fraternity guy from a rival fraternity (wimp wouldn’t let me use his name) said, “This is definitely the biggest crock of ****, and ****ed up… call this the year of the upsets.”

A Delta Gamma responded, “We got robbed, but SDT definitely had a great performance too, but it is a shame that our hard work didn’t pay off. I don’t even remember Pi Kapp’s dance… how did they win the whole thing?” That’s what I like to hear… put it on Juicy Campus.

The Master of Ceremonies, Jabari Bennett stated, “Greek Sing was fantastic, definitely enjoyed the energy from the crowd and it was evident that all the organizations put in a lot of hard work. Also the awards were well deserved.” Another boring politically correct statement.

Later on the night, rumors started to go around that both Delta Gamma and Sigma Chi were disqualified for having shirts with skulls on it. This conviently sets up my next blog.

No Stage Fright Allowed

Have you ever seen the movie, “Waiting”. The movie was about the restaurant industry, however, one of the more hilarious parts of the movie was the character Calvin and his problem with peeing in a public restroom.

This happens to my friend Paul all the time. During the 7th inning of a Rays game, Paul and I left for the bathroom. If you have ever seen the inside of men’s bathroom at a sporting event, it is a bit crowded to say the least. Basically there are about 30 urinals lined up and each one has a line 10 deep and you just kind of wait your turn to relieve yourself.

When we walked out of the bathroom, Paul looked at me and said, “Damnit, it happened again.”
Me: “What happened?”
Paul: “I couldn’t go again.”

I never knew he had that problem, but I guess it happens to him quite a bit. It is pretty common for guys, and usually they could combat that with the “shy guy” stall, but then you run the risk of a non-flusher.

You might be wondering why I am talking about such a taboo subject, and I don’t mean to make anyone feel uncomfortable. However, I was forwarded an email about this bathroom in the middle of downtown Houston, Texas.

The Outside of the Toilet.

It is made entirely out of a “one way” glass. Nobody can see you from the outside, but you can see out. How weird?!? I don’t know if I trust it. What happens if there is a spot where people can see you…talk about getting caught with your pants down.

I guarantee Paul could never use it. I on the other hand, would love this contraption. I would put my butt against the window and knock really hard and think that people could see me mooning them. In reality there would be no way they could see me, but it’s the principle.

I think the best thing would be looking at the line behind you. Imagine the guy who really has to go number 1.

Stage 1: The bounce. The guy would start to sway back and forth just hoping that you would be done soon. Then you just wait a little longer for stage 2.

Stage 2. The crossing of the legs. Right over left, or left over right…it doesn’t matter because both are hillarious.

Stage 3: The pain in the eye. This is where I would start to feel bad and get out, but if you think outside of the box, you did the guy a favor. He is going to appreciate this pee, and definitely get over his stage fright. I’d do that for Paul.

The Inside of the Toilet... Could YOU use it?

I still don’t know how I feel about this toilet, but it is definitely cool. I think it is something like skydiving, you have to do it once in your life. Therefore I am going to add this to my bucket list. I figure if I am going to use it, I am going to enjoy it. So I will wait after 20 or so wings settle, grab a nice book and make an event out of it.

Rays Win! Carpool

So I decided to skip my Friday class to go to the Rays game with Casey the Red Sox fan. The car ride was fine but we did see some car on fire on the Howard Frankland Bridge.  It was probably a woman driver blowing up the engine.

Once we got down to the Trop, Casey and I decided we wouldn’t pay for parking so we parked in my secret spot. It is awesome if you don’t mind a 3/4 mile walk. As soon as I walked I was consumed with jealousy that I was not wasted.

People were high fiving chanting “Tampa….BAY! Tampaaaa… BAY!” and “Let’s go Rays”. Goosebumps filled my arms and I felt like there was some actual spirit in the Rays. Only took a playoff game to get some fans.

All the sudden I realized that I have never been sober when I walked into the Trop, so I had no idea where I was going. Section 307. Has to be on the third floor, but where are the escalators? I didn’t know where I was and neither did Casey. Only one solution to our dilemma.

I ordered two beers and a pretzel with cheese from one of the vendors. Once I sipped the beer, immediately I knew where to go. Funny how that works.

The game itself was great. Longoria hit two homeruns and I got to chant “White Sox Suck” and made everyone in my section follow suit. I booed every White Sox fan and told them that they were the third worst team, second only to the Red Sox and Cubs.

I got to meet Raymond and found out the best kept secret in Tampa. Raymond is a girl! We were in the elevator at the time, and I told every fan in the elevator that Casey was a Red Sox fan and he got harrassed. This made me happy.

Once I got back, I hopped in Paul’s car and started to head toward Alabama, immediately I realized how hungry I was and complained until Paul stopped. He was mad that he had to stop 30 minutes into the trip, but who cares, I was happy.

Editor’s note: Yea yea yea. Timeliness my rear end. This should have been posted Saturday, but Peter is really really lazy. Plus, his family was in town for family weekend. Excuses, excuses.